I recently read a statement in a book of religious philosophy that hope and fear are separated only by expectation. I found this to be interesting in its simplicity: Simple because expectations are no more than thoughts or stories that we make up.
As a therapist and life coach this issue of expectation seems at core of so much that deprives us of happiness. In many ways, this statement defines that our expectations can stand in the way of our own happiness. By reducing, eliminating or fundamentally changing our expectations, we can move from fear to hope. To me, and for my clients, it seems that anxiety has a way of paralyzing us into inaction. When this would happen to my clients, my response would be for my client to “take action” when feeling anxious. Having anxiety most times means that you don’t have enough information. Gather information to see if your fear has a realistic foundation. For reasons unknown, we often choose dark expectations and so many times the expectations are ridiculous. Most likely, we have had some bad outcomes in life but we seem to gravitate to more outcomes being negative than outcomes being positive. It takes effort and commitment to stop negative expectations.
Self-talk is a very useful way to override the default setting of negative expectations. Statements you can say to yourself might include; “Wait a minute, do I really know for sure that this is the only outcome? What else could happen here that would be an okay outcome? Do I really have enough evidence to positively predict this outcome? Am I doing anything to make sure this bad outcome happens?”
While working on some legal project a dear friend of mind made a statement that has stuck with me for years. He said, “Assume normalcy.” I have found this to be one of my mantras. Instead of repeatedly leaping to the dark side of how someone else is behaving or might behave; assume normalcy. A few examples: Suppose you interviewed for a job and you haven’t heard back in four days. Your mind might say to yourself: “Well, obviously that one sentence that I said in the interview killed my chances and this company will never hire me now: I knew this would happen; I just knew it!” If we assume normalcy our thoughts could take us to the belief that the company has not made a decision yet or that the interviewer is just very busy and will call when things clear up. No matter the reality here, the one viewpoint is destructive and can take a piece of you. The action that could be taken to reduce the anxiety would be to call the employer, let him or her know that you are interested in the position and state that you forgot to ask when to expect a decision. Whatever answer you receive would most likely reduce or completely relieve the anxiety. Even if they say that you did not get the position; that response would now take you out of your own tortuous soup. On to the next interview!
Feeling anxious? Gather information and take action!
By Lon Ohlfest LMHC, Life Coach
